We’ve all had those days where we felt like church is the last place we should be. We felt like we were too broken to be there, or our mines would be all over the place causing us to miss the sermon.
I’ve recently been having some issues in my personal life, some issues that left me broken, angry, confused, and even filled my heart with doubt.
Well those issues grew into painful more deeper issues. Those issues resulted in arguments and not going to bed in until 2:30am. I thought to myself, I can’t possibly go to church now because I‘m going to be too drained and tired. To my surprise even though I slept terribly, my alarm went of that morning and I felt fine. I didn’t feel as exhausted as I thought I would, so I got dressed and started to do my makeup. That’s when doubts started to set in.
“I can’t go to church leaving my household in this state”, “I can’t go to church feeling like this.”, “I don’t feel qualified to go.” I said you know what even if I’m a little late, even if I’m going alone, I’m going to church.
Nick and I drove there in almost complete silence for 25 minutes, minus the little arguments that arose a couple times. We got there, Nick dropped me off and I went in alone, but on time. Going through the lobby I felt like everyone around me could see my brokenness. I felt so out of place, not in my faith but in my energy.
However when I walked into that sanctuary, my heart instantly felt a little less heavy. An usher immediately welcomed me and showed me seating they had sectioned off for handicap people to have easy access. I said “No thank you, I was planning on sitting up front.” He said “Absolutely! We can help you with that.” Then another usher assisted me to the front row, where I was welcomed by a couple that were complete strangers; to sit with them during service. My heart felt even a little less heavy once more.
We began the worship segment of service. I’m usually the first one to sing but this time my jaw felt wired shut and I was holding my hands closed and close to me because I felt so tense. Another stranger, offered me her sweater because she thought I was cold. I told her no thank you and that I was a little cold but I’d warm up soon. Boy was I right; because when the pastor started to preach, my heart got a even less heavy and I got a little more warm.
We’re doing a series at my church right now on The Beatitudes. They can be found in Matthew 5:3-12. When my pastor started going over the Beatitudes we’d already gone over previously, it hit me. I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be there because I needed to be reminded of somethings. Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.” I was mourning over my current situations and I came to church not only to feel comforted by my church; but to feel comforted by God and his promises.
Matthew 5:5 says “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” I remembered that my pastor had told us meekness is not weakness, that it’s actually strength. I felt weak and not qualified because I was broken, however I found the strength to make it to church, where I ended up getting some much needed answers on my current issues because I humbled myself before God and I quieted my doubts which takes strength.
Matthew 5:7 says “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” I realized I needed to show mercy in these issues because we are only human and we make mistakes, then God showed me mercy by lifting even more weight off of my heart.
Matthew 5:8 goes on to say “ Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” I started to remember all the times God made a way for me in my life, and I started to feel bigger than my fear. God knew that I have good intentions and that I’m fighting for the greater good. In that moment I saw God in all His strength and goodness. The last Beatitude I’m going to touch on is Matthew 5:9. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” I noted that when battling these issues, I need to keep my composure and keep peace the goal for the resolution of these issues because I am a child of God.
My point in all of this is that you don’t have to feel your best, you don’t have to have it all together, and you don’t have to be perfect to go to church. Those ushers and strangers had no idea what I was going through but they comforted me more than they will ever know. The pastor was already going to preach that series regardles, but God brought me just in time because he knew I needed to hear those words of encouragement and gain a little more faith to persevere. Who would of known that somewhere said to have the most judgmental people, would turn out to be my place of refuge.
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